Every day I thank Jesus

Every day I thank Jesus

For protecting me from mentally unstable gorillas.

That my feet bare no resemblance to Godzilla's.

For a humanoid face and not a lump of dog shit instead.

For having hair, and not snakes, on my head.

For the more amusing animals such as really ugly fish.

That my arse ain't the size of  a satellite dish.

That my fingers are not the same size and shape as a blue whale's cock.

That my tongue fits in my mouth and doesn't flap about like a windswept sock.

That my legs aren't a compound of mashed potatoes and cheese.

That I can't produce feces from my nose when I sneeze.

For the fact that a hippo's not bitten me in two.

For the manageable sizes of my stools when I poo.

For the fact that my bones don't dissolve in the rain.

That my voice doesn't sound like a camel in pain.

That I'll never remember my birth; that'd suck.

That nobody's surgically implanted a duck

Into my chest whilst being asleep;

Or substituted my brain with the arse of a sheep.

That a rabid baboon hasn't smashed me to pieces.

For all these nice things, thank you, Jesus.